Kids. Yuck.

I love to people watch. Whether at the mall or grocery store or even in line at the movie theatre or concert events – watching humans is a hoot. The most fun is parents with their kids.

You get a good sense of the parenting style or discipline technique by observing the children and how they interact with their parents. In one day’s time, you can see the entire parent prism ranging from Brady to Bundy, from Huxtables to Connors.

I’m not a parent – nor do I have plans to ever be one. I’m lazy, immature and horrible at budgeting and I lack any self discipline. I’m 40 and I still buy myself toys (Funko Pops!) and watch horror films and I don’t like to share. I’d be a fun dad, but not a good one. I’ve thought about the idea of taking my son to gymnastics (cuz I always wished I could do a flip), and have him take swing lessons (cuz I always wished I could dance), and get him into sports (cuz I always….oh wait, this isn’t about me -). Apparently living vicariously through a child is frowned upon, which further demonstrates why my parenting should be limited to babysitting cats.

For those brave enough to take on raising kids, I commend you. I also hope you’re teaching them to be mindful of their surroundings. For this, I offer these helpful hints to ensure the rest of the world is not burdened by your choice.

1. Stop teaching them how to cry, it leads to migraines
2. Musikfest is fun for all ages, except for that age of your stroller-bound child.
3. Movie theatres are for grown-ups, even the Disney ones. Please leave. Especially if the movie is Rated R – like, why am I seeing its face?
4. If that kid bumps into my shopping cart one more time, she’ll be wearing the cranberry juice and cat treats
5. Restaurants should not provide highchairs, it only encourages you to come back. Order out.
6. I will not censor myself or my language if alcohol is being served. Take em to Chuck E Cheese.
7. Weddings? No. Out with you. Funerals? Eh, maybe fearing death wouldn’t be a bad thing.
8. If you invite me over, put them away. Treat them like the fine china they are and fear I may crack them.

Enjoy your parenthood experience I’ll just scroll past you on Facebook. Oh! By the way, like my new pic. Thanks. Xoxo